100 My Monologues & Musings :
“Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man” (Peter)
Dear Apostle Peter,
You are one of the few most candid and outspoken of the Twelve!
It seems to be your main trait to be candid and to be outspoken, Don't you think so?
Though it has been an asset to your personality, your candid and outspoken approach must also have been a liability bringing much troubles for you, right?
You were often not taken seriously, those who are outspoken are more likely to be undervalued or misunderstood, or ignored, right?
Oh, dear Apostle Simon,
I have been at times much worse than you! Being candid and outspoken has cost me too.
Oh, dear Apostle Peter,
You have tasted it in hard way,
Haven't you?
Oh, dear Apostle Peter,
Could you, please, share your feelings and thoughts about yourself and about your ministry?
Apostle Peter:
“I was a happy go lucky fisherman..
It was a cosy life for me.
My world was limited to an ordinary fishing village on the northern shores of Lake Galilee. Ever since my childhood I have been fishing along with my father.
Fishing was our family trade for our livelihood.
Often I went out fishing together with a couple of my friends from the village. Many a times we had a pretty good catch.
This particular day I was in real good mood and felt like going fishing....
So along with a couple of colleagues,
we ventured out into the lake.
Despite our best effort we caught hardly any fish!
As the day broke we were cleaning up the nets and go home empty handed,
Then Jesus, the young Rabbi, stepped into my boat and asked me to moor it a little away from the shores. The very sight of him made me marvel with admiration.
He was a very charismatic and of an irresistibly magnetic personality. Though I had heard lots of great things about him, it was my first ever close encounter with him.
After having taught the crowd and talked with them, he wanted us to throw the net into the deep.
Though we were very disappointed with our fruitless effort all through the past night most part of me couldn't but throw the net as per his intervention.
Yet there was a part of me murmuring in my ears:
What do these Rabbis know about fishing? Have they done any daily fishing as a means of their livelihood?
Especially, what does this young Rabbi know of fishing?
As far as I know, he is a carpenter's son from Nazareth, right?
I haven't heard of Nazareth having any lakes around.
Then how could he be an expert in the dynamics of fishing?
You know, these Rabbis go on thinking:
That they know everything..
They have an opinion and advice on every subject under the sun!
Sure, they may be experts in Torah..
And that's all to it!
In Spite of these feelings within me somehow I felt drawn to him.
We did throw the net as he suggested.
Oh, boy!
I couldn't believe my eyes seeing such a huge catch!
Sure, it was a miraculous haul of fish!
Oh, No!
This young Rabbi is no mere Rabbi!
There is something Divine about him!
I feel guilty of discounting him..of berating him in my thoughts!
How bad am I?
A while ago, didn't I think of him in a belittling way?
I feel bad..
I feel guilty!
How great and caring he is!
He is Divine!
I couldn't it hold any more!
I blurted it out:
Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man!
You scare me!
I mean:
Your are Divinity!,
Your Majesty!
You do care.
You do show concern for us!
Lord, you know, I am boisterous!
Lord, you know, I had been presumptuous!
When I look back at my spontaneous outbursts on different occasions I have made fool of myself and was caught with foot in my mouth.
Remember:
With full faith in the Lord, I started walking on the water and then all of a sudden, I started to go down and get drowned! The Lord scolded me for being of little faith!
Remember:
During the Last Supper,
I refused my feet to be washed by the Lord,
8then all on a sudden I not only agreed my feet to be washed but also offered my whole body to be washed!
I refused my feet to be washed by the Lord,
8then all on a sudden I not only agreed my feet to be washed but also offered my whole body to be washed!
Remember:
Me telling…
I shall not abandon my Master even if everyone else does..
then after a few hours I disowned him!
That's me..
the Unpredictable me!
the Unsteady me!
the Undependable me!
Yet My Lord keeps on loving me unconditionally without any trace of resentments or hurt feelings!
It makes humble and urges me to keep growing closer to him!
I keep saying ….
Lord,
Though I have disowned you and disappointed you,
Though I am a sinful man,
Lord, please!
Don't depart from me..
Don't !!!”
Don't !!!”
Dear Apostle Peter,
Thank you very much for sharing your soul stirring thoughts!
How I wish,
I could weep like you with a mere look from the Lord!
I could weep like you with a mere look from the Lord!
Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,
It’s unbelievably amazing to know that you loved Peter unreservedly and unconditionally!
And thereby you helped him not only to grow out of his unsteady pattern of behaviour, you groomed him to be the servant-leader and pastor of your people, Didn't you?
Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,
It’s not only to Peter but to everyone you keep offering your unconditional love irrespective of whether one is steady or not.
Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,
Innumerable are the times you have forgiven me…
and my wanton and wayward ways!
Even after becoming a priest and pastor,
You kept on forgiving me, right?
You still keep on forgiving my sins and failures, Don't you?
You still keep on protecting me from dangers, Don't you?
As recent as a fortnight ago, the last week of October, You did protect me from a devastating fire caused by an electrical short-circuit in my room which would have completely incinerated my room with all the books, clothes and articles of sentimental value. Unaware of the fume and smoke which was filling up my room I was sitting in the veranda just outside my room watching the pouring rain and lightning which lit up darkness of the night. As the lightning was getting too frightening
I decided to go back to my room and went and opened the door.
To my utter shock, the room was filled with smoke. Had I been a few minutes late my room would have been in flames!
The thought of having lost everything except the clothes I had on, did send shivers into my bones!
Thank you, Lord! Thank you!
For protecting me!
It makes me feel to shout out like your Peter:
Depart from me, Lord, for I am a prodigal priest who has flouted your divine laws and commandments over and over!
On the other hand,
I am lost in your limitless patience with me!
Jesus My Lord and My God,
You know that I am no Peter, Don't You?
Your Peter wept his heart out.
He never ever hurt you again by disowning you!
He transformed the Simon in him into Peter. Though I am in the process i have yet to bring out the transformation of the Simon in me into a Peter like person and a priest!
I know that you who helped and encouraged Simon are also ever ready to help me in transforming the Simon into a Peter like person and priest!
Thank you, Lord!
I want to keep on and keep at it!
Though it may take time, I want and I shall do it.
With your help, your encouragement, and your presence in my life, how could I fail?
I shall not!
Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,
Thank you:
For Your Unconditional Love of me!
For Your Unlimited Patience with me!
For Your Unending Forgiveness for me!
Oh, Jesus, My Lord and My God,
Don't depart from me,
though I am a sinful person and a priest!
Amen!
JoAchen
Saturday, 7th November, 2015
Dear Reader,
These Reflections are neither pure scientific exegetical interpretations nor highly theological explanations. They are my devotional meditations and a part of my journaling as a prodigal priest in my struggle to return to the Home of our Heavenly Father.
As I keep holding you in my prayers I request you to include me in yours.
Thank you!
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