86 My Monologues & Musings : Cain (Gen 4)

86 My Monologues & Musings : Cain (Gen 4)

Dear Cain,

Congratulations!

You are a very privileged person indeed!

You are the first ever human child who was given birth by a woman and brought into this world.

You are the first baby, the first born child the world ever had!

Your parents must have been thrilled to have a cute little miniature human being!

They learned to be parents having you in their lives!

You were a miracle for them. Weren't you?

Your Mom and Dad must have been gazing at you for hours and marvelling over the miracle of you!

Dear Cain, could you please share with me the pleasant memories of your childhood and the painful events of your later life?

....    ......    ...

"Sure, I am glad to...

My earliest recollection of my infancy is the warmth of those pair of palms of my loving Mom. She used to hold me closer to her hugging me and showering with maternal kisses. As she nursed me and fondled me I was quietened into peaceful sleep.

When awake she used to baby talk and in return I would babble.

She would tickle me to smile and we smiled together!

Later on, my Mom and Dad used to tell me how thrilled they were:

when my first tooth popped up,

when I started to crawl,

when I uttered my first time Mamma..Pappa when I took my first step and fell.

They used to tell I was the first ever baby to be born and they didn't have a clue as how to raise one.

As a toddler I was a bundle of energy...running around....

As a little kid my Dad used to perch me on his sturdy shoulders and take me around..

He would show me the many birds and animals, the various plants and the colorful flowers.. ,  

I had many questions and he would patiently answer and explain.

While perched on his shoulders and holding tight on to his bushy locks of hair I used to watch it all.

At least a couple of times I peed and wet his shoulders..

He used to teasingly scold me and I would giggle.

Remember, in those days there weren't any diapers around.

It was all fun and frolic.

I was the centre of their attention and love and i enjoyed every bit of it.

Then came my brother into my life.

It was the first time for me to have a baby around. I was very curious and enjoyed gazing at the  cute little thing. My Mom and Dad kept telling me that he is my little brother.

Initially I was very excited about my little brother. 
Later on, I started to resent his presence as I wasn't getting all the attention I used to.

My parents spent more time with him and I didn't like it.

I felt ignored.

I was sad..

I was moody..

I was angry..

As we grew into adolescence our likes and dislikes were very different.

While I took a liking for growing grains, fruits and vegetables, my brother loved tending the sheep.

Thus slowly I was tuned into farming,

he turned to shepherding.

While my brother was very dedicated in his work and loved it, I was a sloppy farmer.

While my brother was faithful to his job I was freelancing with farming.

Though I had a green thumb I didn’t put in much effort.

It so happened one day we both thought of making Thanksgiving offering to God.

My brother selected and prepared the best part of a firstborn lamb with much interest and attention and made the offering to the Lord.

On my part i got ready with some harvest produce and made the offering to the Lord.

To my utter shock and dismay the Lord  rejected me and my offering while He was pleased with my brother and accepted his offering.

I was totally upset and angry as it was a severe blow to my overblown ego.

I sat sulking.

I sat depressed.

I sat brooding over.

I kept thinking to myself that the Lord was prejudiced, partial, and unjust.

His preferential treatment of my brother

made me jealous as well as envious of him.

Though my brother had no role in Lord's rejection of me and my offering, somehow my anger was focusing around him.

He came across to me as a threat.

Then to my surprise the Lord came by and asked me,

"Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen?

If you do well, will you not be accepted?

And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door, its desire is for you , but you must master it."

Oh, No!  I thought here He comes to console me!

Quite contrary, I felt He was blaming me.

It seemed that He wanted me to talk,

but I replied him with a stony silence and a swollen face.

He just left, may be much disappointed!

By now my anger was boiling up within me.

I thought to myself,

It's over!

I had enough!

Can't take it anymore!

When i thought and expected the Lord would give me some sympathy and would console me,

here He is with rebuke and warning!

At this point, I was angry with Him too!

But what could I do to a Mighty God?

So i thought to myself I will hit the one whom He loves much, His buddy Abel!

As soon as He left , I planned, plotted,and perfected a script. I invited my brother to come along with me to see around the fields.

My brother fell for it.

I lured him to a lonely location and just murdered him in cold blood.

And when God came by again and asked for Abel, this time I didn’t keep silence.

I back answered Him,

"Am I my brother's keeper?

When I was punished to be a fugitive and wanderer, I complained.

Finally j ended up with mark on my forehead.

When all was said and done it began to dawn on me:

the cruelty of my crime,

the enormity of my guilt, and

the absurdity of my thinking!

Oh, my God,

How good and gracious you are!

How could I ever rebel against you?

How could I be so blind to my weakness?

How could I think that your are prejudiced?

How could I absolve my own negligence?

How could I blame everyone except myself?

Oh, my God,

It was my, fault, my fault, my grievous fault!

Mea Culpa,

Mea Culpa, Mea,

Mea Maxima Culpa!

How sick a mind I did posses and entertain?

I do deserve to be remembered for ever as the First Murderer in whole of human race!

May no one ever be like me, behave like me, and commit a crime so heinous like mine!

Oh, my God,

Though I had wished that I too was killed as a punishment, now I think it was the best form of punishment you gave me,

to wander about as a fugitive and to be shunned by others for years to come.

Thus you gave me yet another chance to keep on repenting and shedding the tears of contrition.  

I know when I have repented enough You would grant me pardon and peace!

I keep on waiting for that day!

In the meantime I keep praying for all the siblings in the whole world so that they learn to live in peace and harmony!"

Dear brother Cain,

Thank you for giving me the honor and the opportunity to listen to innermost musings of your soul.

Cain, you know, there is a mini Cain in me too!

I have been jealous as well as envious of my siblings, cousins, confrers, and fellow humans!

Though I haven't physically murdered any of them,

I have Character Assassinated many!

There were and are many Abels in my life!

Mea Culpa,

Mea Culpa,

Mea Maxima Culpa!

Dear Merciful Jesus, Dear Good Shepherd,

Thank you for making me aware of the mini Cain in me.

Jesus My Lord and My Master,

Do keep asking me everyday,

"Where is your brother?"

I want to turn the Killer in me into a Keeper!

Jesus, My Lord and My God,

Thank you:

For your 

Unconditional Love of me!

Unlimited Patience with me!

Untold Forgiveness for me!

Amen

JoAchen

Wednesday, 7th October, 2015

Joachenmonologues@gmail.com

Dear Reader,

These Monologues & Musings are a part of the journaling of the Cain in me hoping to help and aid me to be more mature and spiritual person. As the Prodigal Priest in me struggles in my pilgrimage of returning to the Home of our Heavenly Father, I keep holding you on my prayers and request you to include me in yours.

Thank you!