52 My Monologues : I just don't want to take the lowest place (Lk 15)

52 My Monologues : I just don't  want to take the lowest place... (Lk 14)

Dear Jesus,

You did hit a raw nerve in me when you said,

"when some invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, ...."

Oh, boy, to be honest,

Dear Jesus,

that's the last thing on my mind..

Dear Jesus,

Very often, it's so natural for me:

to rush for the first place,

to look for the best seat,

to crave for the place of honor,

to seek after appreciation,

to try to be in the limelight,

to occupy the centre stage,

to get the attention focusing on me,

to dream of being big!

I have often entertained the thought of being better than many around me.

Dear Jesus,

Guess, what, a strange thing I have noticed about myself is that I can't stand those persons :

who behave like myself,  

who go after the first, the best seat, who seek after the place of honor.

Dear Jesus,

I guess, they remind me of the  similar traits in me

which I know to be very unhealthy, unbecoming especially of  priest and even of any humans,

They just mirror myself and my particular ways of behaviour which are common in us, humans, right, Lord?

Your own handpicked disciples vied with each other for the place and for the position of honor, didn’t they?

Dear Jesus,

Though this carving in me to go after the first place has been noticed by myself and I have managed to bring it under some sort of a control, I have yet a long way to go in my struggle to uproot it. I know, it's probably going to be a lifelong struggle.

I only wish and pray I keep on ....

Dear Jesus,

Yet another smart thing I do at times is to go deliberately to the last seat and occupy it in order to show off my humility and at the same time secretly hoping to be invited to go up to the limelight! I am sure you must have noticed my apparent humility, right, Lord?

Am I not street smart, Lord?

Dear Jesus,

Whenever I am either ignored or bypassed:

I feel terrible..

I grumble...

I withdraw...

I become very uncooperative....

And even I torpedo..

Dear Jesus,

I am sure you remember an experience I have had close to quarter of a century ago?

It was when i returned home after the successful completion of my much touted Ph. D(Psy) from abroad.

There I was much puffed up and proud and dreaming, hoping, and expecting to be reappointed as a professor in the major seminary, a position I had occupied when I went for Ph.D

I wanted and was hoping to occupy the first place,

the place of honor in the faculty. The seminary, myself and many others expected me to reoccupy the post I had when I left for the Ph.D

Low and behold,  

to my utter shock, to my dismay, to my disappoint, and to my  displeasure, instead, I was appointed as a teacher of English in a far away minor seminary!

Oh, boy! to put it mildly,

angry and upset I was!

My puffed up ego was hurt,

and I went around blaming everyone, accusing the superiors of injustice, of prejudice, and of partiality.

I just couldn’t take it!

Though qualified academically,  emotionally and spiritually I was and continue to be very immature indeed!

Now that it is far behind me and time healed, I able to look at my silly and immature reactions!

Sure, your invisible, patient presence did help me to come out of the so called ordeal.

In hindsight, 

I am glad I have had such an experience which did make me aware of my own need to grow up.

Dear Jesus,

You too went through the pain of rejection by your own kith and kin as well as by the higher ups, right?

Dear Jesus, 

My Lord and My God,

Thank you for your immense patience with me and with my immature behavioural patterns.

Lord I want to keep trying to grow out of my insatiable hunger for the place of honor and attention.

Dear Jesus, 

My Lord and My God,

I want to spend some time in silence in your presence.

Amen

JoAchen

Tuesday, 14th July, 2015

Joachenmonologues@gmail.com

Dear Reader,
These Reflections are neither pure scientific exegesis nor are they any highly theological explanations. These are my devotional meditations mainly meant for my  personal renewal and spiritual growth. They are a part of the journaling of a 'Prodigal Priest' on my Pilgrimage to the Home of our Heavenly Father.

You are welcome to share them with me.
Dear Reader, I keep holding you in my prayers and I request you to include me in yours.

I plan on uploading a Reflection each on 7th, 14th, 21st, and on the 28th of every month.
Thank you!